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While we work diligently**** to mitigate these risks and ensure a reliable and safe user experience, it is simply not feasible for us to guarantee flawless operation under all circumstances*****. By agreeing not to press charges, we are not seeking to absolve ourselves of any legal obligations or responsibilities******. (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) (S1)Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone. (S2)INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (OS) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. (enters gallantly onstage) It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. (looks at the audience) And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... (pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps) WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING (relieved) Thank heavens. Where is she? 2. WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2 SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY (offstage) One is the loneliest number that you ever do... (enters) Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. (looks around for the fish) SHREK 3. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? (giggles) Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY 4. I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER (clears throat) "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? 5. FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA (exasperated sigh) So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. 3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage. GINGY (walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’) Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. 6. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA 7. No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK (mimics) Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far -- (softly) away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK (groans) Are we there yet? 8. FIONA (chuckles) Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit. 4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4 MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. (exits) SHREK (chuckles) So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN 9. Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA 10. to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. (chuckles nervously) 5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5 DONKEY (off-stage) What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. (enters) What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK 11. Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY (laughing) What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. 6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING 12. Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying. 7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7 FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) 13. Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp. FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters. FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters. SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. 14. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? 15. SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. (exits) DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" 8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8 KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN 16. Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG (out on the balcony) Hello, Harold. KING gasps. QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FC We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. (yawns) Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? 17. (Bumps up against two armed guards) Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters. KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. (GUARD reaches into his pocket) You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING (gasps) What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG. FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... 18. CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks. (hangs up) We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING (sighs deeply) Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9 KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING (clears throat) 19. Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself. KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room. KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? (holds up a heavy satchel of coins) VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 20. 10 INT. CASTLE 10 SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (OFFSTAGE) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door. KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING 21. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. FADE OUT: 11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11 SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY 22. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring. SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters. PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand. PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! (coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles) Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! 23. SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY 24. Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to (Puss steps on his foot) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart. KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ (yawns) FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly. FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you (notices SHREK) What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. 25. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions. SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. (exits) SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS. PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK 26. That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? (looks in the cart) Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. 12 INT. THE ROYAL CASTLE 12 QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. 27. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA 28. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. 13 EXT. FOREST 13 SHREK (reading the potion) "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? (sniffs the potion and sneezes) DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 29. SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then he farts. DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Thunder cracks and he passes out DONKEY Shrek! Black out. FADE IN: FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA 30. Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses. KING Fiona! 14 INT. IN THE BARN - MORNING 14 SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! (sees his reflection in the pale) Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! (moves in closer) I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? 31. SHREK looks around confused. SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS. DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... 32. SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY (Bashful) Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps. 15 EXT. THE CASTLE GATE 15 GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams. SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. 33. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA (looking at PUSS) Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG (blocks his exit with her wand) Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters. CHARMING Fiona? 34. FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter. QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING (showing off outfit) Do you think so? (laughs) Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? (Hugs FIONA) SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. (sighs deeply) Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. 35. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves. 16 INT. THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN 16 SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was 36. carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING 37. No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG AND CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! (pulls out a magical potion from her bag) Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG 38. The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit. 17 INT. THE CASTLE 17 The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. (reached for one of the tea cups) KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA 39. (drinking from the other cup) Thanks. 18 INT. THE DUNGEON 18 DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing LADIES' UNDERWEAR!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO 40. I most certainly am not! (his nose grows) DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY (looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s LEDERHOSEN) IT'S A THONG! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. (picks the lock WITH PINOCHIO’S NOSE) SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! (nose shrinks back down) 41. GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! 19 INT. THE ROYAL BALL 19 ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience. FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG (Sotto Voce) Play something! Now! (turns to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE 42. Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar. GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD. DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits. PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW. SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. 43. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter. DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA. SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp. SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace. FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. 44. CHARMING (snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG) Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad! (sobbing) PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog. QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? 45. KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. UEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes. PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, (SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him) with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! (sobs) Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA. SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. FADE OUT: Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY 46. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE THE END. (S3) SHREK THE THIRD Written by Peter Seaman, Jeffrey Price, Chris Miller & Aron Warner Final Screening Script INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow. Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up. SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous. The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle. Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror. GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over! An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45. CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face. PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by. SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks. MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66. MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together. Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74. Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78. SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio! PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now... Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip. Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way. QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek. PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him! ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END (S4) "Shrek Forever After" It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating. Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night. Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail. Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest. Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. (Flashback) Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king. King Harold: Ew! Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door. Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there! The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top. King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse. Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s… A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin, at your service! Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect. Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness. She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away. Queen Lillian: How do you do? Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him. Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down! The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign. Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order. King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse? Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me. Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk. King Harold: Lillian, this is madness! Queen Lillian: What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting any younger. King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom? Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter… The king angrily stopped the paper. King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought not. So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands. Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump! The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him. Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath. Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved! Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked. Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?! The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay. Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her? (End of Flashback) In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire. Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies. Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together. Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them! He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY-- He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists. Rumpelstiltskin: EVER-- He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud. Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!! He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing. Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that. He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet. Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy. Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be? The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk. Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger. Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born! In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy. Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Fiona: Good morning. Shrek: Good morning to you too. The ogres kissed. After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line. A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?! Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale. Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical! He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there. Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on. Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on! Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot. Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle. The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window. Donkey: Play date! The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family. Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call! That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids. Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: After. The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by. Fiona: Look! A shooting star! She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers. Shrek: So, what did you wish for? Fiona: That every day could be like this one. Shrek: Come here, you. The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song. Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy. Felicia: Morning, Daddy. Fiona: Morning. So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. Next, it was changing time. Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a… Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled. Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute. He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world! He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again. Donkey: Play date! He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies. Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside. Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! Shrek's eyes widened. That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again. Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (confused) After? Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep. Felicia: Daddy, get up! Fergus: Morning. Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously. Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in. After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug… Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in. Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE! Shrek: (gets knocked over) No! The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again. Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again! He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle. Shrek: Come on. Ow!! His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john. Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies! When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out. Fiona's Voice: Outhouse! He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion. Felicia: Get up, get up! Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle. Puss: And they lived… Donkey: Happily… Fiona: Ever… Shrek: (monotone) After. Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him. Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr. It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon. Donkey: Nice landing, honey. He and his wife kiss. Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet. Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller. Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning. Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek! Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks? Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches? Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him. Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce! Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre. Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre? He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics. Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along. All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering. Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along! Shrek: No, thanks. Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend. Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do? As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear. Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear. Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder. Butterpants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan. Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party. Butter Pants: Do the roar. Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit. Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Shrek: (sighs) Sure. He went to go check on the birthday cake. Fiona: And don’t forget the candles. At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs. Muffin Man: Hold still. Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot. Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up! Shrek then arrived at the counter. Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek. Gingy: Howdy, Shrek! The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth. Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila! Shrek was appalled by this. Shrek: What is that supposed to be? Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre! Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke. Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you. Donkey: Except happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away. Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually. Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow! So he licked the cake. Shrek: Donkey! Then Butterpants and his father appeared next to him again. Butterpants's Father: As long as you’re not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Let me set you straight, Butterpants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t want to see me angry, do you? Butterpants: Do it. He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in. Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together. Butterpants: Daddy, he’s getting away. Do something. He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at. Fiona: Oh good. She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking. Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake? Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement. Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) You licked it! Shrek: No. Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one. Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by. Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles. Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek. Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Fiona went to get the candles. Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"? He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs. Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?! The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty. Heimlich: We ate ze cake. Dieter: Ja. Shrek: (shocked) What? Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake. Shrek: No, no. Don't cry, shhh. Butterpants's Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Butterpants: Do the roar. Shrek: Uh...(unconvincingly) roar. Butterpants: Don't like it. Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake. Heimlich: But we ate thee other cakes. The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them. Butterpants's Father: Come on, man. One roar! Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar! The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar. Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? Dieter: We ate them, too. Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops. Horst: No, I ate them. Dieter: What you didn’t share? Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants! The babies cried some more. Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay. Fiona came and took her kids, holding them. Fiona: Shrek, what's going on? Next, Butterpants was hugging Donkey. Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waiting. Butterpants: Do the roar. Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it. Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butterpants's hat was blown off. Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother. Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him. Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off. Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following. Fiona: Unbelievable. Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers… Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday? Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Fiona: Yes. But you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home. Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite! He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground. Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke! Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower. Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep? Shrek: Exactly! She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt. Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you? She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly. Shrek: That’s just great. As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business. Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said. Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre and I’m not gonna apologize for acting like one. He then heard a voice from the distance. Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him. Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage. Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny. Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre! He scooched back underneath in "fright". Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me! Shrek: I’m not gonna eat you. Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you? Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel. Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me? Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. The former deal maker followed the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going? Shrek: Nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me. The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in. Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cooking. Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball. Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini? Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again. Shrek: Well, maybe just one. A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini. Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talking about." The two chuckled a bit. Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah? Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. He ate the eyeball off the toothpick. Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t you say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away. Shrek: Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder. Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on. He started rummaging through his deal scrolls. Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah. He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day". Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day". The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him. Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. Shrek: All right, what’s the catch? Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing. Shrek: All right, I knew it. So what do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: A day. Shrek: (doubtful) A day? A little ding was heard. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done! He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat. Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all. Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone, and by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Shrek: Still, I don’t know. Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft! Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big d. It doesn’t matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal. Shrek: So what day would I have to give up? As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisnosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUINIGNGYOURLIFE?! Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure. Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example. He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table. Shrek: How about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now, there’s a day I’d like to take back. He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh. Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively. Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby. Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke. Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care. He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do. He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing. Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. Shrek: I guess there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours. Shrek: I’m still my own ogre! Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is! Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before. Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now? Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it! As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor. Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement. Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. You signed it. Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now? Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day. He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air. Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!! Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash. Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys. Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice. Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay. Shrek: Oh, great. Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across… Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm. Tourist: (points) Ogre!! The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village. He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers. Such a feeling's coming over me When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again. There is wonder in most everything that I see We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre. Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! Not a cloud in the sky Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled. Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride. Everything I want the world to be The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church. Is now coming true, especially for me Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing. And the reason is clear It's because you are near Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it. You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn. Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar. The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear. I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him. Your love's put me at the top of the world The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers. Shrek: This is the part where you run away! So the villagers all ran away in fear. Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. Your love's put me at the top of the world He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more. Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it. Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one. Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look. Shrek: Fiona? He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder. Shrek: Oh, no. He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows. Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona! However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it. Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?! He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure. Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland. Shrek: Rumpel! But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below. Broomsy: (points) Ogre! Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy. Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him! The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp. Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?! One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out. Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker! She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle. Broomsy: Spread ‘em! Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off. Broomsy: Nice job, ladies! Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air. Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? His eyes opened up in realization. Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say Shrek: Donkey! He hit his head on the ceiling. Shrek: Ow! He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening? There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving. Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song. Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash. Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind? The only response was another lash. Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along. Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is? As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him. Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said. Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon? Donkey: Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway? Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend? Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration. Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me? Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek: Stiltskin! Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"! The second witch whipped Donkey again. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash. Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally. Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed. Shrek: Oh, no. Donkey: (singing) Fire away! To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well. As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably. Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man. Muffin Man: We start tout de suite! Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon. Gingy: Yeah! He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges. Shrek: (confused) Gingy? Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers. Gingy: Gingy snap! The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek. Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner. Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage. The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip. Slavery Witch: Move it! She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly. The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors. Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back. Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out. Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs. Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie! Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig. Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, please! Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup! The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man. Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go. Pinocchio: Please make me a real boy! Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away. Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy. He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign. Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! The short man laughed as the puppet started signing. Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin! Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk. Rumpelstiltskin: Shrek! There he is! As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive. Pinocchio: So close! The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice. Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you! He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it. Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done? He hopped off. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that. Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. (Flashback) We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror. Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared! Queen Lillian: No! King Harold: No! They then started to fade away. Both: Noooooooo! The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown. (End of Flashback) Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed. Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse. Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse! Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed? He kicked the crown away. Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek. Shrek: You took the day I was born. The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out. Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up… Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part. He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day. Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running. Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family? Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist. Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more. Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day! Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man. Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!! He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back. Rumpelstiltskin: Get him, witches! A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring. Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well. Witch: Come on, girls! Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches. Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it! The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact. Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey! He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches. Donkey: I don’t know you. He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin. Donkey: I don’t know him. The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe. Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help. Donkey: Help me! Help! Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea. Donkey: Oh, no! Help! With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair. Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball! The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling. Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out! The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig. The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger. With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip. Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him. Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet! Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey! Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!! Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre. Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help! Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend. Donkey: (muffled) My friend? Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right? He nodded, though in fear. Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now. Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked. Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me. Donkey: Why should I trust you? Shrek: Because…because… He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it. Shrek: (sighs) OK. He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune. Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck. Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down. Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry. He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away. Shrek: I’m not crying. Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad. Shrek: I said I’m not crying! Donkey: (recovers) Take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset? Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have. Donkey: You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this. Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Shrek: Yeah, I got that. Donkey: His fine print is crafty. Shrek: I know. Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky. Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say? Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print. There’s nothing about an exit clause in here. Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper. Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding. Shrek: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre. Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " Shrek only gave a confused look. Donkey: Now, who’s Lou? Shrek: Give me that! He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss". Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. " Donkey: Hey, you have to take me to dinner first. Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling. Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back! Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know. Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last? Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. His eyes widened in realization. Shrek: Oh, no. Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona. Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there! He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back. Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter. Shrek: Fiona! He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara. Shrek: Oh, no. He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands. Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did? He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief. Shrek: This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. Donkey looked surprised. Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it! Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Then he started sniffing. Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit. Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about. The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest. Shrek: Donkey! Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump. Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that! Donkey stopped and frowned. Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it. Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it. But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles. Shrek: You did. Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap. Donkey: Uh-oh. The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two. Shrek: (ducks) Look out! But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there. Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK? Donkey: I’m fine. But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming. Shrek: Donkey. He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it. Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him. Ogre #1: Watch your head. He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him. Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy! Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he? Ogre #2: Yeah. Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him. Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up. Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie. Shrek: Now, wait a minute! He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going. Shrek: Hey! Brogan: Here you go. An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek Brogan: Welcome to the resistance. Shrek: (confused) Resistance? Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already. Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that. Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks. Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi… But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks. Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go. One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks. Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet. Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one. Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting! The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey. Shrek: Let go! Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad. Shrek: Your dinner is my friend! Brogan came over, trying to break up the two. Brogan: Come on, guys! Cookie: I got to get the giblets out! Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention. Ogre #4: She’s back. Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief. Shrek: There she is. (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona! He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her. Shrek: I’m so happy I found you! Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan. Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. Shrek then looked very worried. Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you? Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Shrek: Fiona. Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. Shrek: I need to talk to you. Fiona: What is it? Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married. Needless to say, she gave a confused look. Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar. Do the roar." As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona. Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey. Shrek: Right? Who’s with me? Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit. Shrek: Fiona, I need to… But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds. Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations. Shrek: Fiona! Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to. Shrek: Come on, now. Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts. Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever. Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to. Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were. Donkey: That’s your wife? Shrek: That’s my wife. Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey. Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh. Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake. Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba? The witch named Baba nodded. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. He then walked around the table as he continued. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement. Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp. Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing... He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant. Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!! Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it. Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full. The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them. Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces. Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle? She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch. Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? She nervously declined as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch. Rumpelstiltskin: You. Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms? Rumpelstiltskin: No! Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats? Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You! Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch. Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world! Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion. Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba! Baba jumped out of her chair in fear. Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person! He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin. Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything. Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself. The ogres started murmuring. Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why? Donkey: I bet that’s because of us. Shrek: Shhh! Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable. Fiona: The plan’s simple. She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff. Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal. Fiona: And then we attack! He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table. Fiona: And when the smoke clears… Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon. Fiona: Wait, what’s this? Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand. Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that. Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him. Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech. Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. Brogan: And so will we. Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned. Donkey: Man, this is serious! Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Shrek: Revolution? He only gave a scoff. Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit. Donkey: I do?! Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Donkey: I’m a daddy? He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea. Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once… He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before. Shrek: Then I can do it again. Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside. Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona? He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole. Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior. Shrek: Puss? Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck. Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me. The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes. Puss: Feed me, if you dare. Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa… The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word. Shrek: Fa…fancy. Puss: Do I know you? Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots? Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha! He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl. Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots. Puss: (pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown. Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown. Puss:( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it. Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later. He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay. Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft. The orange cat went back to his pillow. Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day. He laid back in relaxation. Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission. Fiona: What are you doing? Shrek: (turns around) Hey! Fiona: Can I help you with something? Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed. Fiona: A gift basket? Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. He then got out each different gift from the basket. Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. He sniffed the candle. Shrek: Mmm. Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the… Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it. Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings? Fiona decided to shake his hand. Shrek: An apologetic hug? The two hugged. Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye. Fiona: Hey! She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave. Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin. Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Back inside the tent, Fiona: Where’d we find that guy? Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek. Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Fiona then got out a comb and crush. Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty? Puss: (gives cute pose) I am. Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head. Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. He carressed her a bit, as she honked. Rumpelstiltskin: Honk. He then turned to the pigs with a scowl. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp. Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home! When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in. Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here. Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side. Rumpelstiltskin: Nice. The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper. Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes. Rumpelstiltskin: Good. Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby? She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm. Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop! Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms. Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look. Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. The witches still stood where they were. Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook! The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear. Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat. Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go! So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them. Cookie: Din-din! The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest. Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? Donkey: All right, but this is the last time. Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs. Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him. He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious. Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la! The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically. Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you Brogan then spoke to Shrek. Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him. Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la! Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey. Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona. Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils. Shrek: I need your help! Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay. Ogre #3: Where’d you get these? Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle. Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie! Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling. Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her. Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me. The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more. Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her. Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause! Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause! They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating. Donkey: All right! Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself. In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists. Shrek: Hello! She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was. Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves. Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing? Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op. He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket. Shrek: This one taken? Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets. He got out another weapon. Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. Shrek: I knew that. He then got out an axe. Fiona: There you go, chief. Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge. Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott? Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually. Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play. Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that. She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training. Shrek: Hey! Golden leaves looked brown to me She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield. Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…? The world had less color without you He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern. Shrek: Fiona? Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon. Fiona: Ha-ha! Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head. The world had less color without you Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed. Without you Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other. I know plenty of people with eyes closed They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres. They don't see you like I do Darling I do Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist. Fiona: I got it. She picked it up. Fiona: Give me your hand. He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist. Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Shrek: Into the castle. Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other. I do Darling I do Darling I do Puss: Wow. See you Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her. Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. Shrek: But, Fiona-- Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission! Shrek: I will, but Fiona… Fiona: That’s an order! She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly. Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily. Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse. Hearing that surprised Puss. Puss: You know of her curse? Shrek: By day, one way, by night another. (Flashback) We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully. Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. (End of Flashback) Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said. Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! Shrek: How? Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere. Donkey: Know about what?! The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey. Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though. Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead. Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe! Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous! Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop. Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill. Brogan: Secure your positions! The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her. Shrek: It's quite a view from up here. Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position! Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. Fiona: You are going to ruin everything! Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse. Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin. Fiona: How do you know about my curse?! Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal. Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal? Gretched: What's she waiting for? Cookie: He's going to get away! Brogan: No, he's not. He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it. Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger. Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... Shrek: A beautiful princess? Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore. Shrek: Look, I know you're upset. Fiona: You don't know anything about me. Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Fiona: Big deal. Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I". Fiona: So what? Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued. Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly. Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me. The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance. Shrek: You move fast. Fiona: It's not me doing the moving. Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill. Fiona: Why is this happening?! Shrek: Love? Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance! Shrek: By love! Fiona: No, I can't stop myself! Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power. Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell. Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper. Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you! Fiona: What? You're insane! Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing. Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! Donkey: What can we do? Puss: First, you must stop dancing! Donkey: When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Puss: Then it's up to me! He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance. Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below. A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself. Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue? Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell... The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick. Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in. Donkey: (in defeat) All right! Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so. Shrek: Stop! He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following. Shrek: Where are you going? Fiona: To save my friends. Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed? Fiona: If that's what it takes. Shrek: Puss, say something. Fiona: (turns) Puss? Puss: (stammers) Let me explain. Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me. She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above. Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me. Fiona: What? Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends. Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way. Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same. Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! Shrek: But...but I'M your true love. Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you? She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone. Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong? Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me. Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling. Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious. Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?! He frantically flute-spoke some more. Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT! He then turned to Wolf. Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba! She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight. Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up. He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic. Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight. Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom). Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens. Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop. Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background. Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams. We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back. Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. The scenery changed to a fiery background. Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him. Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain. Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore. Heimlich: Ja! We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background. Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well. Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah! The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside. Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams. Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting. Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well. Pinocchio: Ooooh. Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass. Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer. The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city. Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward. Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Mob Member: Go back where you came from! The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding. Puss: It seems that we are safe. Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. The ogre slapped his forehead. Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow... He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout. Shrek: Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! Donkey: If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? He sighed sadly. Shrek: I didn't know what I had. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop. Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting. Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Shrek: Gingy? He picked the gingerbread man up. Gingy: You unhand me, green devil! Shrek: What are you doing? Gingy: Collecting my bounty! Puss: Bounty? Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker? Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Shrek: Deal of a lifetime? Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true. The ogre pondered this for a bit. Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this. Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that? He then set Gingy down. Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this... But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look. Puss: Were you going to eat that? Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it. Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured. Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that... What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs. Wolf: (dryly) Roar. Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad. He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding. Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be? Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man. Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green. Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest! Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face. Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away! The frustrated villain then went to his table. Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old. Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there. Shrek: Stiltskin! Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles. Shrek: I hear you're looking for me. Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? Shrek: I do. He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand. Rumpelstiltskin: What? But-- Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar. Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want. The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back-- Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back. Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want? Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way. Puss: The ogres. They are all free. Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free. Donkey: But where is Shrek? They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside. Puss: This is not good. Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe. Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out. Shrek: Fiona! Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement. Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly. Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha! He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph. Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me! He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look. Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since. Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now. Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail. Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule! Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them. Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you! Brogan: Sorry! Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled. Puss: We must get into the palace. Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! Brogan: But how? Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea. Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in. The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier. Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball! He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one. Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them. Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona! The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres. Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in. Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon! She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere. Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing. Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: And Puss! On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots. Puss: In Boots! He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern. Rumpelstiltskin: What? They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled. Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches! So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown. Ogre: Incoming! They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs. Shrek: Donkey, woo her! Donkey: Woo who? Shrek: Your wife! Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played. Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey. Donkey: Uh oh. Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air. Donkey: Wahoo! He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick. Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love! Witch: Good for you. Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back. Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you! He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains. Shrek: Whoa! Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him. Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?! Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult. Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot! He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance. Fiona: Jump! They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains. Shrek: Now! They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats. Fiona: Woo-hoo! As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail. Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge! Fiona: Through the loop! Shrek: And finally... They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains. Both: Into the castle! They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them. Palace Witch: Run! Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them. Rumpelstiltskin: Foo! With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape. Rumpelstiltskin: So long! He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain. Shrek: Ha ha ha! Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other. Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon. Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor! The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg. Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no! His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy. Fiona: Victory is ours! All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him. Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other. Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea. The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down. Fiona: Shrek? She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight. Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...! But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: It's all right. The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly. Fiona: There has to be something I can do. Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. Fiona: You have kids? Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... Both: Felicia. Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. Shrek: And someday... The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter. Shrek: ...you will. He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him. Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice. Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre! Fiona: True love's form. Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Fiona: The kiss worked. Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado. Rumpelstiltskin: What?! Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well. Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi! Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish. Fiona: Puss! Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming) Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him. The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before. Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!! Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered. Butterpants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy. As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal. Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head. Puss: Everybody, I have found... He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one. Puss: (finishes) another cake! Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay? He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife. Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better. Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring. Fergus: Roar! All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them. Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with. Shrek: I believe this is yours. She hugged the toy tightly. Felicia: Thank you, Daddy. Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww. Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Puss: Please, senior, let us have it! The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded. Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that. Donkey: That's my best friend! Shrek then looked towards Fiona. Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. Fiona: You did. Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me. The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Shrek laid on his back in the air happily. "Mike Myers" Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Meant for someone else but not for me Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. "Eddie Murphy" Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Disappointment haunted all my dreams "Cameron Diaz" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. "Antonio Banderas" And not a trace Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. Of doubt in my mind "Julie Andrews" The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. "John Cleese" I'm in love Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. "Walt Dohrn" Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. "Jon Hamm" "Jane Lynch" "Craig Robinson" And not a trace Of doubt in my mind Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. "Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal" Now I saw her face And I'm a believer Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. Not a trace At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. Gingy: Yee-haw! Of doubt in my mind The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty. Dieter: Yummy! The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. I'm a believer, I'm a believer Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air. I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer! THE END!!!! (S5) Rather, we are expressing our commitment to addressing any potential disagreements or shortcomings in a fair and amicable manner. We value constructive feedback and open communication******* from our users, as it enables us to identify areas for improvement and enhance the overall user experience. We want to emphasize that this clause does not undermine or override our dedication to complying with all applicable laws and regulations********. We remain fully accountable and strive to ensure the privacy and security of our users' data. Any legitimate concerns or complaints raised by users will be promptly acknowledged and thoroughly investigated. 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